My Emotions are not Yours! Don’t pick up the burning stick!
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
Viktor Frankl.
Differentiation is being immune to the contagiousness of others’ moods and influence, especially the bad ones. It is having the ability to self regulate one’s emotions, to self soothe. It’s tolerating ambivalence and paradox, not being stuck in simplistic black and white, either-or thinking. It is seeking win-win solutions while trusting one’s needs can be met as well as others’ (NVC). It is having the courage to tolerate some level of pain/discomfort, in the service of growth and the success of the relationship you are in.
This is developing a strong enough core and sense of self to be able to let others in without fearing engulfment or abandonment, thus paving the way to balanced Interdependent relationships. Yes, really: when your partner attacks you, don’t pick up the burning stick! Even if it’s thrown in your direction, or even if you have something to do with it. As urgent as it may feel, you will see that you have choices in your reactions.
Yes, mother nature wants us to grab that stick, to be aroused every time we interpret the situation we are in as threatening, even if it is a simple disagreement, an invalidation, or a misunderstanding. We are hard-wired to attack back. But do we really still live in the jungle?
WHY: So why should we not respond to an angry partner by “catching the burning stick”, i.e responding to their anger, If we feel under attack? Because there are better, less hurtful, less energy-consuming options. If we can let go of being right or even being righteous, we can turn this lose-lose situation around to something more peaceful, calm our nervous system down, and maintain the relationship.
HOW: It takes intention and skills, but we can change that biopsychological impulse, as our evolved frontal cortex in the human brain can be trained to refrain from aggression that destroys relationships. We can instead use our connecting human brains to listen, take perspective, be flexible, and come up with creative and win-win solutions. When we operate from the war seeking emotional brain, we make simplistic evaluations of a situation, narrowing our understanding to black and white, I or you approach. If we were to translate that anger into words, it would sound something like: “ I’m angry right now, so I’m gonna attack you, because I don’t have time to understand what’s going on”.
Well, first of all, you may wonder if it is caring, loving, empathic to refuse to get burned by another person’s fire. Yes, being self-protective when your partner attacks you: obviously physically, but also emotionally or verbally is an effective damage control technique, which provides an emotional containment that can stop the contamination of their anger to you, possibly. If one person steps out of the dance/ cycle of aggression, then the cycle ends. Simply by not putting any extra oil onto their fire. And it takes practice to not react. Not reacting provides grounding: The angered partner feels the rock in front of them and can calm down more quickly.
Empathy is emotional dependence, it’s taking on another person’s pain as one’s own and feeling the obligation to do something about it. Empathy is the caricature of caring, the side where we lose our boundaries, choice, and safety. It’s the feeling when we get buried and burdened by others’ grief, leading us to feel tapped out, unseen, and often resentful.
Compassion is emotional independence, which is a safer feeling to operate from; as defined by Brené Brown, Compassion is: “ It is a caring feeling, but not a reactive impulse, akin to saving or rescuing”.
Inhibiting our rescuer reflexes, ingrained in habitual patterns of caretaking, is an effortful change. Like a freight train trying to change direction, first, we practice slowing down, then we stop reacting, at times an agonising moment because of the doubt it leaves us in, then we learn new patterns of behaviours nurtured by new awareness and choices. And there we are on the other side, we stepped out of the old groove where our needs were often sacrificed to those of the acting-out partner.
Not picking up the burning stick out of compassion allows us to not take the attack personally and get the perspective we need to see what our partner needs underneath their heated emotions, rather than react angrily.
It is choosing to ignore the ‘bad’ behavior - to the extent that you decide for your safety - your partner’s clumsy communication style, and to point out, make a guess at their unconscious true feelings. Saying something like: “ sounds like you are pretty frustrated right now, do you want to tell what’s really going on? What they really need from you is some validation and reassurance, some version of:” I see you are having a hard time with this right now”. “It’s going to be OK. “
Listening is the parent of talking, and definitely better than fixing. Your frustrated partner might just be venting or trying to engage you in noticing their feelings, asking for connection or validation, but in a very ineffective way. Not judging their behavior, without belittling their feelings, is stepping into the role of the good, forgiving parent they really need in a moment of distress. Often under the hot energy of rage is the soft sorrow of grief, disappointment, or helplessness. Staying calm and rising above the potential disruption, yelling or blaming, helps us track our partner’s true feelings and possibly attend to their sorrow or sadness beneath the anger.
If you catch the burning stick, you will get hurt, and it is not likely that you will be responding with compassion. And dealing with an angry partner is never pleasant. Make sure you are safe, and that the relationship feels balanced and reciprocal, and that your partner holds the safe space for you too when you need it. If this is not happening, evaluate your relationship, and see if this is working for you. You deserve respect!
Image by Todd MacDonald from Pixabay